Whilst flying dangerously close to my house the other day, just a few days before the local elections, an imaginary little bird (just before it was brought down by an errant airgun) overheard this imaginary and equally little conversation.
KNOCK KNOCK! (Here's a knocking indeed!)
'Go away we don't want any!'
'But.. .'
'Go away! We don't own the house...'
'But...'
'...furthermore we're all unemployed and on the pancrack...!'
'But...'
'Look, we don't want double glazing...'
'...or a fitted bathroom...'
'...or our gas from Wal Mart.'
'But I'm not a salesman. I'm a prospective council candidate. There's going to be an election shortly so I thought I'd...'
'Erection?'
'No... election! I'm here to explain to you how I'm going to improve things in Calderdale and make clear to you why it would be wise to vote for me in the forthcoming hustings. Now tell me good sir, are you a registered voter?'
'Now hang on! We ask the questions around here! Perhaps you should come in and have a drink Mr...?'
'Slatterthwaite. Percy Slatterthwaite'
'Alright then Mr. Slowit. Before you have any chance of securing our support it will be necessary for you to testify before the Jarratt House Committee on Unpopular Political Activities. Now just sit down here and drink this glass of lukewarm water. Lol! Get the arc lights on!!' 'Now then Mr. Slatternly. We will commence. First of all are you or have you ever been a member of Calderdale Council?'
'Well no, not exactly.'
'Straight answer please or Lol gets out the lie detector!'
'Well I was on the council for a few months last year.'
'That's more like it. Now did you at any time in your political term give your assent to any of the following...'
'Closing old folks homes, shutting down public toilets, introducing 'Pay and Display' parking in valley towns, closing youth clubs, selling off community centres, installing Gatsos on fast roads and turning the centre of Halifax into the Hampton Court Maze.'
'Well no.'
'Good straight answer that Mr. Sluggerbait. Its alright Lol, you can put away the truth serum hypo.'
'Aw dad...'
'Now then ... Did you vote for the 43 percent pay rise and subsequent increase in council tax?'
'I did not!'
'Excellent answer Mr. Slitterwhite. Lol ,you can put the flagstones back in the cellar and fill in the hole...and we wont need the snorkel!'
'I don’t understand.'
'Don’t worry Mr. Slutterbright. I assure you that you can rely on our support in the forthcoming election. We were going to use a blindfold and a pin.'
'Thank you, but…'
'You can kiss the baby on your way out!'
'Yes and I’d like to tell you how...'
'Oh...One last question before you go! Are you or have you ever been a member of the Communist Party?'
'Why no!'
'Great! that's what I wanted to hear! You see the last fellow said he was.'
'And what happened?'
'He sold us a bloody fitted kitchen!!'
Exeunt with divers alarums and excursions. Next week... Councillor Ford meets the Holy Inquisition.('Show him the instruments Cardinal Biggles!')
Jim Jarratt.
copyright Jim Jarratt 2004