MYTHOLMROYD
Dear Sir,
I thought you might be interested in this little ditty wot i 'ave recently writ. If those faceless people at MAFF and their attendant politically correct acolytes ever get around to restoring to us our public rights of way and our right to vote, chances are people visiting Calderdale in the aftermath of FootandMouth are going to be baffled by mass cull that has been carried out on the public conveniences of the district. No doubt they will return to their more favoured national park stomping grounds where public toilets are plentiful, spotlessly clean and not social clubs for felt tip wielding perverts. It seems that any political party that gets overall control of Calderdale Council immediately embarks upon electoral suicide by instituting 'improvements' guaranteed to annoy and inconvenience just about every voter in the district! They then further twist the knife by forcing us to pay more for their unpopular policies. Fed up with the manically PC policies of the former ruling Labour Group, the Tories have only succeeded in demonstrating that they can sink even lower! As for the Lib Dems ... they dream of ruling the world from Hebden Bridge! I am fed up with the lot of them, as I suspect is much of the long suffering electorate of the area. If any sheep survive the foot and mouth massacre we should put them into the council chamber ... they might be more popular!
Jim Jarratt
Public Inconvenience.
Oh the council held a meeting in the town of Halifax,
To discuss the parking charges and the rise in council tax.
We need to save some money boys, and to keep the council blue,
So in the public interest heres just the thing we'll do......
REFRAIN
Shut down the public toilets and barricade the bogs,
We all can wee, behind a tree, or lamp posts just like dogs,
Pull down all the privies, and chain up the toilet gates,
Then to really make them suffer we'll put up the ruddy rates!
Now Calderdales a council that is very often 'hung'
Its not a bad thing really 'cos nowt ev-er gets done.
But when one party gets control, soon everyone is vexed,
And we wonder what annoyance they are going to dream up next!
On the moorlands around Calderdale, you'll not see a hare or fox,
They've been scared off by the hikers squatting down behind the rocks!
When you visit Ogden Water, now the councils closed the jake,
You can smile at your reflection while you're peeing in the lake!
The toilets all are being replaced by a smart new superloo,
That looks just like a tardis that they've nicked from Doctor Who.
A queue of crosslegged people oh so patiently do bide,
They don’t know the guy that's using it is ruddy trapped inside!
When your prostate is expanded, and you on one leg must hop,
You can buy a toilet voucher, from a participating shop,
Its a sort of plastic smartcard, when you to the lav must run
, It'll time you on your session and charge you when you've done!
At the tourist information, 'ere you roam the countryside,
Be sure to stop in there and buy the councils' 'Good Bush Guide',
It outlines secluded places, it tells you where and what,
And contains advice from Andrex on the proper way to squat!
Lets create a 'privy' council, lets unchain democracy
Expose to all our principles and win the 'right to wee'
When the Shay becomes a landfill, a trendy wine bar the Town Hall,
There'll be no point in local government, no need to vote at all!
Well clench my buttocks, cross my legs, I'm getting in a tizz,
I dont want to get arrested, I just want to do a wizz!
Theres no longer a lav at King Cross, and I've been searching for an hour,
Perhaps I can do a sneaky poo, behind the Wainhouse Tower!
So when you're next in Calderdale, and you're dying for a slash,
Remember who shut the toilets in the name of saving cash.
And when comes round election time and they promise what they'll do,
Remember how the tories flushed the voters down the loo!!
JIM JARRATT MARCH 2001
I received this back from the Courier with a message to the effect that publishing verse in mailbag was not policy. (They were quite happy to publish 'New Age Wenceslas' some time earlier - see letter 'GOODWILL TO ALL MEN') Once again It was a case of the papers new policy of 'dumbing down' its contributors.
copyright Jim Jarratt 2004